Well, sorta.
Thanks to Lee Asher, now you can watch from years past as Jimmy Grippo masterfully amazes and mystifies Merv Griffin, Orson Welles, and the television audience for over seven minutes. Normally for television and the viewing audience, that’s an eternity. Grippo does it with ease.
THE DARK KNIGHT brings a long-awaited, classic villain back to the film screen: the Joker. You’ll have to wait until July to see the latest Batman flick and Heath Ledger’s posthumous performance in a role that made the American Film Institute’s top-50 villains list. Until then, in the honour of the greatest villain of all time—according to Wizard magazine, anyway—here is a list of villains that are the polar opposite. Whether it’s a lovable gunslinger or a big, dumb android with a heart of ice, these movies all have villains without skill or scariness. These villains are more likely to kill you with boredom than sharks with laser beams attached to their heads.
8. Ben Wade – 3:10 to Yuma
He’s handsome, sensitive, and he draws pictures of birds in a little sketchbook. Russell Crowe plays Ben Wade as the cuddly wuddliest roughneck in the Old West. Crowe was more badass in that stupid movie about wine and sweaters, A Good Year. In Yuma he sashays pathetically through the desert, delegating every evil act to his psychotic subordinate and generally wussing up the place. He would have lasted five seconds being deep and thoughtful in the real Dodge City.
7. Conal Cochrane – Halloween III
Halloween III is bad in a really bizarre way. Without Jamie Lee Curtis or Michael Myers it has nothing connecting it to the previous movies in the series. The plot deals with Conal Cochrane, an evil CEO, selling Halloween masks with imbedded computer chips that draw on the power of Stonehenge. When someone wearing one of these masks views a certain television commercial, their head will turn to mush (or occasionally make snakes and bugs). It’s up to some plucky kids to save the day. That’s a stupid plan, a stupid plot, a stupid villain, and a stupid movie.
6. Bennett – Commando
In order to fight Arnold Schwarzenegger and have it look believable, you need to be either a seven-foot-tall alien killing machine or a viscous-but-deadly robot from the future. If you’re a badly dressed weakling like Bennett in Commando, don’t even try. Commando was made in the mid 80s, when Arnold was still in his Mr. Olympia form and his biceps had biceps. In comparison, Bennett (played by Vernon Wells) looks like he’s been hitting the Twinkies harder than the gym. Their climactic fist fight is embarrassingly one-sided, with a shirtless, war-painted Arnold slapping Bennett around like he’s a fifth-grader.
5. Mr. Freeze – Batman & Robin
Arnold Schwarzenegger got a break from fighting lame villains in Batman & Robin and instead got to be one. Mr. Freeze’s evil plan is to steal a diamond that can cure his wife of a deadly disease—which is really not evil at all. One hulking body suit and a few terrible puns later, and we have the worst Batman villain in history. Schwarzenegger’s puns were so bad they put the Batman franchise into a deep freeze for the next eight years. At least the character wasn’t played by the other choice of director Joel Schumacher: Hulk Hogan.
4. Lex Luthor – The Superman Series
Lex Luthor is by far the lamest villain in any superhero film. The cornerstone of a good super villain is a good evil plan, and Lex’s are invariably stupid. In the original Superman, his plan is to break off a piece of California so that he can sell it to someone, or something—it’s never really clear. In the latest film in the series, Superman Returns, Lex makes a giant, self-replicating island out of kryptonite, an infinitely jagged rock that he somehow believes he can market as prime real estate. Forget him and bring back Bizarro, Superman’s mirror image, and then maybe Superman films won’t suck.
3. Bullseye – Daredevil
In my opinion, Colin Farrell isn’t a very good actor. For unequivocal evidence, rent the awful Daredevil. The film has many problems—chief among them is a plot entirely lacking in consistency or depth—but Farrell’s performance as Bullseye is particularly awful. His only superpower is that he’s really accurate, and even with this preternatural accuracy, Daredevil continually makes him miss. Farrell has no idea how to play the character so he runs the gamut of interpretations: from insane, to misunderstood, to melancholic, often over the course of one scene. If only they had written the part specifically for Farrell, because Drunken Irish Fighting Man sounds like a much more interesting villain.
2. Evil athletes – The Running Man
Arnold Schwarzenegger, more than any other actor, has been paired up with horrible enemies. The Running Man starts out well enough, but it takes a turn for the stupid once Arnie’s character is forced to fight for his life (on national TV) against a select group of mercenaries. These mercenaries include a hockey-playing samurai, an opera singer who shoots electricity, two useless guys with a chainsaw and flame-thrower, and the former host of Family Feud, Richard Dawson. They’re also all fat except for Dawson, who, ironically, is pretty villainous.
1. The Architect – The Matrix: Reloaded
The second Matrix film is a giant “fuck you” to anyone who was a fan of the first one. Its muddled plot, terrible special effects, and non-sensical philosophical ramblings make it one of the worst sequels ever. The original film had an excellent villain in Agent Smith, an unstoppable killing machine who could be anyone, anywhere, at any time. The second movie had a fat old Colonel Sanders look-alike who does nothing but spout a redundant, opaque monologue that sounds like it was written by a stoned grade-schooler after his first introduction to Neitszche. Ergo, the Architect is the lamest villain ever.
Tip o’ the hat to Peter Henderson for the scoop.
Let’s review my UNTOUCHED and UNEDITED Oscar predictions from Friday, shall we?
BEST DIRECTOR:
I hope it will be Julian Schnabel, “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” so I can hear Sean Young scream from the audience to “Get on with it,” but I have a feeling it will be Joel and Ethan Coen, “No Country for Old Men.” CORRECT!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Hollywood’s first famous transsexual, Tilda Swinton from “Michael Clayton. CORRECT!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Bad-ass Javier Bardem, “No Country for Old Men.” It’s his lucky quarter… CORRECT!
BEST ACTRESS:
Cate Blanchett, “Elizabeth: The Golden Age.” Sorry, Ellen Page; they don’t give Oscars to kids. INCORRECT!
BEST ACTOR:
George Clooney was right when he said that he couldn’t understand why he was even nominated because the Oscar will go to Daniel Day-Lewis, “There Will Be Blood.” CORRECT!
BEST PICTURE:
“No Country for Old Men” CORRECT!
5 out of 6 correctly predicted = 83% Correct! Hot damn. Now if only I put some jack down beforehand…
My pal and ex-blogging partner, Andster, gave it a shot with the Super Bowl, now it’s my turn. Here are my predictions for this Sunday’s Academy Awards:
BEST DIRECTOR:
I hope it will be Julian Schnabel, “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” so I can hear Sean Young scream from the audience to “Get on with it,” but I have a feeling it will be Joel and Ethan Coen, “No Country for Old Men.”
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Hollywood’s first famous transsexual, Tilda Swinton from “Michael Clayton.”
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Bad-ass Javier Bardem, “No Country for Old Men.” It’s his lucky quarter…
BEST ACTRESS:
Cate Blanchett, “Elizabeth: The Golden Age.” Sorry, Ellen Page; they don’t give Oscars to kids.
BEST ACTOR:
George Clooney was right when he said that he couldn’t understand why he was even nominated because the Oscar will go to Daniel Day-Lewis, “There Will Be Blood.”
BEST PICTURE:
“No Country for Old Men”
Christina Aguilera went on Ellen today and shared her joy over 5-week-old son Max, with whom she graces the cover of People, and talked about her new concert DVD and living in Ozzy Osbourne’s old home. The singer wore a low cut dress that accentuated her fake boobies, prompting Ellen to instantly ask, “Bluh, bluh, bluh… Are you nursing?”
Duh.
Silicone-flavored milk, anyone? Salty yet satisfying…
Watch:
Steve Shaw, AKA Banachek, has generously given back to the magic community by offering a free download for you to enjoy. If you like comedic mind reading with a bit of spittle, this should interest you:
Your audience will salivate with the newest mentalism routine from the creative mind of Banachek. Take your mentalism show to a whole new level. Shock the senses of your audience with a one of a kind effect that will long be remembered. Easy to do, easy to prepare, and big on impact. Plays to small groups or to full theater audiences. Use what they already have.. .saliva!
Effect: Two volunteers are asked to assist with an unusual experiment. One spectator is handed a brown paper bag (containing a prediction.) Multiple torn pieces of newspaper each containing different words and pictures are shown then dropped into a second bag. The performer shakes up the bag then asks the second spectator to spit into the paper sack. That’s right, SPIT into the bag. The volunteer obliges then the performer dumps the contents of the bag on the floor. That second spectator is asked to pick up the piece of newsprint that has some spittle on it and read the word covered in spit. One word can be made out that says, “SALE”. The first volunteer opens his bag and removes the one and only piece of paper there that says, “SALE”!
Get it here:
http://www.houstonmagic.com/spitinabag.pdf
Tip o’ the hat to Anonymous for the heads up.
It’s a slow news day – so wanna see everyone’s favorite freckled freak in the buff? Of course you do!
Direct from rehab, straight to your computer!
Here she is… Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe!
(Monroe just grunted from beneath the soil.)
All I’ve got to say is – Linds, do you really think this is going to help your career? Are you that keen for a part in Howard Stern’s “Porky’s” redo?
Weeksy Sez: I’ve gotta comment on this – probably the only film I’ve ever really considered L.L. to be smokin’ hot in was “Mean Girls” – but other than that, I never really rated her – and I’ve gotta tell ya, after seeing these pics, I consider those thoughts justified – wow, that’s not so good…
Yeah, I’m not feeling so good.
Tip o’ the hat to Clint Morris
Does Britney Spears actually affect the economy? According to Portfolio.com, she absolutely does!
To the casual tabloid reader, Britney Spears’ life looks like a train wreck. To the Britney Industrial Complex, comprising everyone from paparazzi to perfume vendors, she is a gold mine. Whether she’s shaving her head or battling for custody of her children, Britney seems to grow more fascinating (and to some people, more lucrative) every time she stumbles. Recent court documents suggest she’s amassed a $125 million fortune and continues to rake in about $737,000 a month, or nearly $9 million a year. But that’s chicken feed compared with the overall Britney economy. (View slideshow.)
The Packagers:
Britney has sold 83 million records since the release of her debut album in 1999, bringing in more than $400 million to Jive Records, her recording company. Even her 2007 album sold well, despite her troubles. Her tours have grossed nearly $150 million; the average take for her 265 solo shows is $583,138, according to Pollstar, which tracks touring data. But there’s a lot more of Britney for sale than her music: Pure Nightclub in Las Vegas reportedly sold seats at a table next to hers for $50,000 at a recent bash, and she still commands between $250,000 and $400,000 just for showing up at events. Elizabeth Arden has sold nearly $100 million worth of its Britney perfumes—Believe, Curious, and Fantasy. PepsiCo determined that it was worth paying her a reported $4 million to $10 million for a short-lived ad gig.
Estimated annual take for record company, promoters, licensers, and others: $30 million to $40 million
The Paparazzi:
A Britney photo garners anywhere from $250 (for a run-of-the-mill shot of her at Starbucks) to $100,000 or more. The photo agency X17, which has a team trailing her 24-7, estimates that Britney accounts for 30 percent of its revenue: It sold $2.5 million worth of Britney photos in 2007 alone, including $500,000 for its exclusive Bald Britney pics. Competitor Splash News says that Britney accounts for 10 to 15 percent of its business, boosted this year by $200,000 for photos of Britney in a hot tub. All told, Britney probably makes up a full 20 percent of the paparazzi business.
Estimated average annual take: $4 million
The Media:
If it seems like every time you see a newsstand, Britney is on the cover of another magazine, that’s only because…she is. A celebrity tabloid with Britney Spears on the cover sells 1.28 million newsstand copies, some 33 percent more than the average. Between January 2006 and July 2007, Britney was a cover subject of People, Us Weekly, In Touch, Life & Style, OK!, or Star a total of 175 times in just 78 weeks. During that period, newsstand sales of issues with her on the cover amounted to a staggering $360 million. She’s also topped the annual Yahoo Search rankings in six of the past seven years, slipping to No. 2 only in 2004, when Paris Hilton briefly stole her crown. Searches for Britney were up 60 percent in 2007, the year of her divorce, shaved head, and car wreck. “If there was no Britney, would all Web traffic stop?” asks Vera Chan, senior editor at Yahoo. “I would hesitate to give her that much power, but it’s hard to argue with the facts.”
Estimated average annual take: $75 million
K-Fed:
The most famous ex in America, Kevin Federline is living large off his Britney-fueled image. Nightclubs reportedly pay him about $30,000 just for appearing. And he gets $35,000 a month from Britney in spousal and child-support payments.
Estimated average annual take: $1 million
The Bottom Line:
Britney’s peak touring and recording years are surely behind her, but the public’s fascination with her chaotic life continues to mint money for those selling her image.
Estimated annual value of the Britney Spears economy: $110 million to $120 million!
